A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked
at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible,
and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree
that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered: “I think it’s Adam’s
suit!”
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Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in
church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud.
Finally, his big sister had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in
church.”
“Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, “See those two men standing
by the door? They’re hushers!”
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The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
“Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery, and King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.”
“The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.”
“The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it
difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
“Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated
the Spanish Armadillo.”
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Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday
school.
Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a
rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea,
he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across
safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air
strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were
saved.
“Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe
it!
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Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to
the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride
for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the
new driver.
“I’ll bet you’re back there to get a change of scenery after all those months
of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,” says the
beaming boy to the his dad.
“Nope,” comes dad’s reply, “I’m going to sit here and kick the back of your
seat as you drive, just like you’ve been doing to me all these years!”
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A confused nine-year-old boy goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds,” Well God is both male and female.”
This confuses the little boy, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses the boy so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, “Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this the boy’s face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks…
“Is God Michael Jackson?”
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Well, this year o’l Peter got a job as a department store Santa. Here’s how his first day went.
Peter:-(picking up little girl) “My .,,And Who do we have here?”
Little girl:-”Cut the crap Santa…..you leave me $100,000 this year, and I won’t tell anyone that you have your thumb up my ass!”
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It was that time during the Sunday morning service for “the children’s
sermon,” and all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down,
the pastor leaned over and said to her, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your
Easter dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes,
and my Mom says it’s a Bitch to iron.”
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Two little boys are looking down at a cathouse. They sit there watching men go
in and see all the money beeing counted. They watch the men pour out with
smiling faces.
First boy-I wonders what makes those men smile.
Second boy-Well, lets count our money and go see what makes them smile.
First boy-We have fifty-cents all together.
Second boy-I’ll go and find out what they are smiling about while you stay
here.
The second boy goes into the cathouse and says to the head mistress,” I want
fifty cents worth of whatever is making all these men smile.” The woman takes
him into one of the rooms and she takes her clothes off. She starts coming
toward him and he runs out of the cathouse screaming.
First boy-What was it?
Second boy-I doesn’t know, but I sure as hell don’t want dollars worth of it.
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A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother
in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively ask the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “Im having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…
“Then why did you eat him?”
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