The following are genuine snippets from essays by high school students:
“Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived
in the Age of Shivery, and King Harold mustered his troops before the Battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black
Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.”
“The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their
human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for
selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a
bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him
the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and
discoveries. Guttenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot
clipper.”
“The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found it
difficult to walk because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the
“Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself
before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.” Then her navy went out and defeated
the Spanish Armadillo.”
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