FunnyMisfit

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, “I’m here ’cause my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer, “I’m here ’cause my house and all my belongings
were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer pondered the engineer’s plight for a moment and, looking somewhat confused, asked, “How do you start a flood?”

Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.

Do you:

(1) have lunch? or

(2) go to a movie?

George and Harry set out in a trans-Atlantic hot air balloon race. After 37 hours in the air and appearing lost, George offers, “We had better lose some altitude Harry so we can see exactly where we are.”

Hesitantly, Harry lets some hot air out of the balloon, and it begins to slowly descend below the cloud
cover. Still confused as to their exact location George again offers, “I still can’t tell where we are Harry, let’s ask that gentleman down there on the ground.”

Harry yells down to the stranger, “Hey, Mister can you tell us where we are?”

“You’re in a balloon about 100 feet up in the air,” came the reply.

“That man must be a lawyer,” George quipped.

“How can you tell?” said Harry.

“Because the advice he just gave us is 100% accurate and totally useless!”

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time, robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, DEAD or ALIVE!

A trigger happy, young, enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track down the bandit on his own and collect the reward. After a lengthy search, the Ranger tracked the bandit to his favorite cantina and snuck up behind him. At the sound of the Ranger’s guns cocking and preparing to fire, the surprised bandit sped around only to see both of the Ranger’s six-shooters bearing down on him.

The Ranger announced, “You’re under arrest! Tell me where you hid the loot or I’ll drop you where you stand,” his finger becoming itchy on the trigger.

However, the bandit didn’t speak English and the Ranger didn’t speak Spanish. Fortunately for the Ranger, a bilingual lawyer was present in the cantina and translated the Ranger’s demand to the bandit.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried next to an old oak tree behind the cantina.

“What did he say, what did he say?” the Ranger hurriedly asked.

To which the lawyer replied, “Well, the best I can make out he said … DRAW!”

A man walked into a lawyer’s office and inquired about the lawyer’s rates.

“$50.00 for three questions,” replied the lawyer.

“Isn’t that kind of steep?” asked the man while dolling out the $50.00.

“Yes,” answered the lawyer, “what’s your third question?”

The Chief Justice of an Appellate Court invited the newly appointed Justice over for dinner. During the meal, the new appointee, Justice Johnson, couldn’t help noticing how attractive and shapely the Chief Justice’s housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he started to wonder if there was more between the Chief Justice and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the new appointee’s thoughts, the Chief Justice volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely a professional one.”

About a week later the housekeeper came to the Chief Justice and said, “Your Honor, ever since your new appointee came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose he took it do you?”

The Chief Justice said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write him a letter just to be sure.” So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Justice Johnson, I’m not saying that you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I’m not saying you didn’t take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later the Chief Justice received a reply letter from Justice Johnson which read: “Dear Chief Justice, I’m not saying that you do sleep with your housekeeper, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now.”

A judge was riding horses one day with a young lawyer friend. They came
upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman’s noose hanging from a
tree, solemnly waiving in the wind. The judge turned to his riding companion and
jokingly said, “Jacob, if that gallows had its due, where do you suppose you
would be?”

“Riding alone,” quickly came the reply.

An Amish man named Samuel was injured when a car at an intersection struck
him and his horse. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was
cross-examined by the driver’s lawyer:

Lawyer: Samuel, you’ve told us all about your injuries. However, according
to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you
weren’t injured at all, isn’t that true?”

Samuel: Well … let me explain.

Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes).
Please tell the jury.

Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my
fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, “Looks like he has a
broken leg,” and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. The officer
next looked upon me and asked how I was doing. Suffering from the same injury as
my horse, I of course immediately replied, “I’m OK!”

After an electrician finished repairing some faulty wiring in an attorney’s home he handed him the bill.

“Four hundred dollars! For an hour’s work?” cried the attorney, “That’s ridiculous! Why I’m an attorney and I don’t charge that much.”

“Funny,” replied the electrician, “when I was an attorney, I didn’t either!”

The prostitute’s lawyer addressed the court first, “Your Honor, my client,
this lady here, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by
a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the
defendant for a specific length of time for the sum of $500.00. The defendant
obtained exclusive possession of the property, using it extensively for the
purpose for which it was rented. However, upon evacuating the premises, he paid
only one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive since it is
restricted and exclusive property and we ask that judgment be granted for
plaintiff and against defendant in the amount of $250.00.

The defendant’s lawyer, thrown back by what he had just heard, pondered
the opening remarks for a moment and stood to present his off-the-cuff version
of the case, “Your Honor, my client agrees that the young lady has a fine piece
of property, and that he rented such property for a period of time, and that he
even derived a degree of pleasure from the transaction. However, my client found
a well on the property upon which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and
erected a pump. All equipment belonging to my client and all labor being
performed by him. We allege that these improvements to the property were
sufficient to affect an offset of the unpaid portion of rent and further allege
that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the fair market rental value
of such property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted for plaintiff
and that the defendant be awarded his attorney’s fees and costs incurred in the
defense of this frivolous action.”

The prostitute’s lawyer replied, “If it pleases the court your Honor, my
client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and that he
made the improvements to the property as alleged. However, had the defendant not
known the well existed; he would have never rented the property. Furthermore,
upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the
shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his
equipment through the well-manicured shrubbery, but also left the well with a
hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible
to small children, thereby creating a possible danger to the health and general
welfare of the public. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted as requested
in the complaint.

Judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $250.00!