FunnyMisfit

1. Home is where you hang your @

2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can’t teach new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.

6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. C: is the root of all directories.

8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.

9. Pentium wise-pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.

11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. A chat has nine lives.

14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.

15. Fax is stranger than fiction.

16. What boots up must come down.

17. Windows will never cease.

18. In Gates we trust.

19. Virtual reality is its own reward.

20. Modulation in all things.

21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

22. There’s no place like http://www.home.com.

23. Know what to expect before you connect.

24. Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

25. Speed thrills.

26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and
he won’t bother you for weeks.

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My brain is like a computer, the older I get the less available memory I have.

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‘Taws the night before Y2K,
And all through the nation
We awaited The Bug,
The Millennium sensation.

The chips were replaced
In computers with care,
In hopes that old’ Buggy
Wouldn’t stop there.

While some folks could think
They were snug in their beds
Others had visions
Of dread in their heads.

And Ma with her PC,
And I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net
And kicked back with a snack.

When over the server,
There arose such a clatter
I called Mister Gates
To see what was the matter.

But he was away,
So I flew like a flash
Off to my bank
To withdraw all my cash.

When what with my wandering eyes
Should I see?
My good old Mac
Looked sick to me.

The hack of all hackers
Was looking so smug,
I knew that it must be
The Y2K Bug!

His image downloaded
In no time at all,
He whistled and shouted,
Let all systems fall!

Go Intel! Go Gateway!
Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq,
And Pentium too!

All processors big,
All processors small,
Crash away! Crash away!
Crash away all!

All the controls
That planes need for their flights
All microwaves, trains
And all traffic lights.

As I drew in my breath
And was turning around,
Out through the modem,
He came with a bound.

He was covered with fur,
And slung on his back
Was a sackful of virus,
Set for attack.

His eyes-how they twinkled!
His dimples-how merry!
As midnight approached, though
Things soon became scary.

He had a broad little face
And a round little belly,
And his sack filled with virus
Quivered like jelly.

He was chubby and plump,
Perpetually grinning,
And I laughed when I saw him
Though my hard drive stopped spinning.

A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
A new feeling of dread.

He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
He changed all the clocks,
Then turned with a jerk.

With a twitch of his nose,
And a quick little wink,
All things electronic
Soon went on the blink.

He zoomed from my system,
To the next folks on line,
He caused such a disruption,
Could this be a sign?

Then I heard him exclaim,
With a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all,
Kiss your PCs good-bye!

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”Usenet is like Tetris for people who still know how to read.” — Computer
Museum (Boston)

”Usenet isn’t a right. It’s a right, a left, and a swift uppercut to the
jaw.” — Computer Museum (Boston)

”If you put a billion monkeys in front of a billion typewriters typing at
random, they would reproduce the entire collected works of Usenet in about …
five minutes.” — Anon.

”Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million
typewriters, and the Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare!” — Blair Houghton

”The NeXT Computer: The hardware makes it a PC, the software makes it a
workstation, and the unit sales make it a mainframe.” — Anon.

”What goes up must come down. Ask any system administrator.” — Anon.

”Who’s General Failure and why’s he reading my disk?” — Anon.

”If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a
Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get one million miles to the gallon, and
explode once a year, killing everyone inside.” — Robert X Cringely

”A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human
history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.” — Mitch
Ratliff

”The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by
accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause
accidents.” — Nathaniel Bornstein

”Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.” — Anon.

”Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works great? _|” — Anon.

”If you can’t beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.” — Anon.

”Intel has announced its next chip: the Retention.” — Anon.

”Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.” — Anon.

”Never trust a computer you can’t throw out a window.” — Steve Wozniak

”All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.” —
Anon.

”Want to make your computer go really fast? Throw it out a window.” — Anon.

”The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul
up, there’s no law against whacking them around a little.” — Porterfield

”Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.” — Jeff Pesis

”The best way to accelerate a Macintosh is at 9.8m/sec/sec.” — Marcus
Dolengo

”If a train station is where the train stops, what’s a workstation…?” —
Anon.

”The robot is going to lose. Not by much. But when the final score is
tallied, flesh and blood is going to beat the damn monster.” — Adam Smith

”The computer is a moron.” — Peter Drucker

”I do not fear computers. I fear lack of them.” — Isaac Asimov

”Sometimes it pays to stay in bed in Monday, rather than spending the rest of
the week debugging Monday’s code.” — Dan Salomon

”It’s easy to cry ‘bug’ when the truth is that you’ve got a complex system
and sometimes it takes a while to get all the components to co-exist
peacefully.” — Doug Vargas

”As soon as we started programming.

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated: ”If GM had kept up with
technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five
dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating
(by Mr. Welch himself):

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars
with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new
car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would
just accept this, restart and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car
to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall
the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought ”Car95” or
”CarNT.” But then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five
times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent
of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced
by a single ”general car default” warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

9. The airbag system would say ”Are you sure?” before going off.

10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and
refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the
key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand
McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor
want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s
performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for
investigation by the Justice Department.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to
drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same
manner as the old car.

13. You’d press the ‘’start” button to shut off the engine.

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10. When filling out your driver’s license application you give your IP
address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is; instead your line
is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger” them to find out how
they are, and “AYT” them to make sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt
contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “my lady@home.wife” and refer to your children
as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as “my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, “I feel so
colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

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Bill Gates recently got married. After the wedding, Bill and his new wife got
back to their honeymoon suite and later, of course, they crashed into bed.

Apparently things didn’t work out pretty well for Bill that night, and the
next morning his new wife got up, pointed at the embarrassed Bill Gates and
rather annoyed she said: “Now I know why your company is called what it’s
called!”

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Q: what is the difference between Bill Gates and a vibrator?

A: A vibrator is an artificial dick!

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Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint
Peter says, “Bill, you’ve done some wonderful things in your life and have
earned the right to choose where you’ll spend the rest of eternity. You can
choose between Heaven and Hell, but choose wisely.”

Bill looks over Saint Peter’s shoulder between the pearly gates and sees
nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter’s words, Bill asks
if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The
Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much
to his surprise, there’s one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the
alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill
returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.

He again looks over Saint Peter’s shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow.
Bill says to Saint Peter, “I’ve put a lot of thought into this decision and it
may sound foolish, but I’d like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.”

Saint Peter fulfills Bill’s request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets
back to Hell there’s been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are
burning, and moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked
at the sight asks the Devil, “What happened?? I was just down here a little
while ago and everyone was having a great time!” The Devil says, “Oh that…
That was just the demo!”

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Microsoft is trying to add some humor to its error messages in Windows 2000
and up. Here are a couple of examples:

* Printer not responding; Got a pen and paper handy?
* 3 things are certain in life: Taxes, death, and data loss.

Guess which has occurred?

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