A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there
was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the
races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high
that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he
might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER’S ASS SHOWS. The
preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again,
and this time it won. The paper read: PREACHER’S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop
was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to
enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES
PREACHER’S ASS. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to
get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The
Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the
donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much
for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the
plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES
HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The Bishop was buried the next day.
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One Sunday morning a little girl in her Sunday best was running so she
wouldn”t be late for church.
As she ran she kept praying, “Dear God, please son”t let me be late to
church. Please don”t let me be late to church….” And, as she was running she
tripped and fell.
When she got back up she began praying again, “Please, God don”t let me be
late to church — but don”t shove me either!
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A minister was asked by a politician, “Name something the government can do to help the church.”
The minister replied, “Quit making one dollar bills.”
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Q: What language do the Vatican Police speak?
A: Pig Latin!
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Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: All evidence to date suggests it’s chocolate.
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Q: Is there a God?
A: A billion Hindus can’t be wrong.
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A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with “WWJD”
printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the
letters could mean, but couldn’t figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for “What Would
Jesus Do”, and was meant to inspire people to not make rash
decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the
same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, “Well, I’m damn
sure Jesus wouldn’t pay $17.95 for one of these caps.”
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ohnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other
way. Johnny says, “Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?”
The priest says, “Because I’m a father.”
Johnny says, “Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.”
The priest says “You don’t understand, son. I have thousands of children.”
Johnny says, “You should wear your trousers backwards.”
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A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little boy’s mind, sat him and said:
“God is not a man or a woman, and God is not black or white.”
To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael Jackson?”
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This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to
own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied
equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).
That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little. The friends were
impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any
of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.
Well, they said, “let’s try this out.” Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,
“Heel!” Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and
bowed his head.
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