FunnyMisfit

The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally
intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He
directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of
twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps
recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck
out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, “Son, what skills can you bring to
the Air Force?”

The young man looks at him and says, “I’m a pilot!”

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, “Get him in today,
all the paper work done, everything, do it!”

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man
and asked, “What skills to you bring to the Air Force?”

The young man says, “I chop wood!”

“Son,” the general replies, “we don’t need wood choppers in the Air Force,
what do you know how to do?”

“I chop wood!”

“Young man,” huffs the general, “you are not listening to me, we don’t need
wood choppers, this is the 20th century!”

“Well,” the young man says, “you hired my brother!”

“Of course we did,” says the general, “he’s a pilot!”

The young man rolls his eyes and says, “So what! I have to chop it before he
can pile it!”

(No Ratings Yet)

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A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical
malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not
determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten
sign, and held it in the helicopter’s window. The pilot’s sign said “WHERE AM
I?” in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large
sign, and held it in a building window.
Their sign said “YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER OVER SEATTLE.”

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to
the Seattle airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the “YOU ARE
IN A HELICOPTER” sign helped determine their position?

The pilot responded “I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building, because
similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but totally
useless answer!”

(No Ratings Yet)

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”99 Bottles of Beer” song gets stuck in an infinite loop

At the stroke of midnight on 12/31/1999, Windows 99* turns back into DOS 1.0;
the Pentium* V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a
beautiful glass mouse.

Internet Movie Database now lists ”1901: A Space Odyssey”.

Bob Dole’s age erroneously listed with only two digits.

Sales of Coca-Cola jump drastically after original cocaine-laden formula
becomes legal again.

Software engineers point out that since computers thinks it’s almost 1900, we
technically have to ”party like its 1899” (which, frankly, doesn’t seem like
that much fun).

Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the ”Gatesian”
Calendar.

Jesus shows up late for His Second Coming; blames it on COBOL programmers.

Using a computerized adoption service, Michael Jackson mistakenly takes home
some octogenarians.

Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe personnel shortage
at McDonald’s restaurants.

(No Ratings Yet)

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1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no
documentation? Love to!

2. More documentation? Love to!

3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer
want to spend any of their free time playing computer games?

4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, I’m leaving early to spend some quality
time with my friends and family.

5. Please - not pizza again.

6. Who wrote this? I’ve never seen such clean code! It should take me no time
at all to debug it.

7. I’m really more of a morning person myself.

8. I’d really like to work in a big corporate environment where I can wear all
of my favorite ties.

9. Microsoft - all the tools and support you’ll ever need.

10. I really don’t know the answer to that question.

11. From a network guy - No I’m sure it’s not an application issue - I
probably just haven’t segmented the LAN correctly - I’ll get right on that.

12. From a developer - I have complete confidence in the network so why don’t
I just take a look at my code.

13. Its too simple, need more tables.

14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery here.

15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the network with my 32MB
of RAM machine.

16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY.

17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with the extra features
you wanted.

18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! Boohoo!!!

19. Data integrity?!?!? We don’t need no stinking’ data integrity.

20. Go ahead; put that zip code in the Street name field.

21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries.

22. There’s no real difference between Text Strings and Numbers, its all zeros
and ones after all…

23. Hey! I met the deadline! Boohoo!

24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work… I hate flip-flops.

25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure? I like pressure.

26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer!

(No Ratings Yet)

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Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being
taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the
Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some
respect. He’d become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000
conversions.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken
its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he
could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with
it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made
a deal to have him frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know
is he’d wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer
debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with
his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date,
he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was
that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room
filled with excited people. They were all shouting “I can’t believe it!” and
“It’s a miracle” and “He’s alive!” There were cameras (unlike any he’d ever
seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack
couldn’t contain his enthusiasm. “Is it over?” he asked. “Is the year 2000
already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over
and done with?”

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of
the timer on Jack’s cryogenic receptacle; it hadn’t been year 2000 compliant. It
was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had
advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which
allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

“That sounds terrific,” said Jack. “But I’m curious. Why is everybody so
interested in me?”

“Well,” said the spokesman. “The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it
says in your files that you know COBOL”.

(1 votes, average: 0 out of 5)

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Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, “Where did
you get such a great bike?”

The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my
own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”

The first engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice; the clothes probably
wouldn’t have fit.”

(No Ratings Yet)

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To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

(No Ratings Yet)

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly
slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, “What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such
ineptitude.”

The pastor said, “Hey, here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a
word with him.”

[Dramatic pause]

“Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us?! They’re rather slow,
aren’t they?”

The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind firefighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always
let them play for free anytime.”

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them
tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. And I’m going to contact my
ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t these guys play at night?”

(No Ratings Yet)

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There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things
mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily
retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly
impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar
machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work
but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had
solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge
machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small “x” in chalk on a particular
component of the machine and stated, “This is where your problem is”.

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.

They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges.

The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $1
Knowing where to put it $49,999
It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

(No Ratings Yet)

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”

Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many
thousands of electrical connections.”

The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic
waste pipeline through a recreational area?”

(No Ratings Yet)

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