FunnyMisfit

An Oxford philosopher was giving a lecture on the philosophy of language at
Columbia University, and came to a curious aspect of the English language. “You
will note,” said the stuffy Oxford scholar, “that in the English language, two
negatives can mean a positive, but never is it the case that two positives can
mean a negative.”

To which someone in the back responded, “yeah, yeah.”

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1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

2. After confirming everyone’s names on the roll, thank the class for
attending “Advanced Astrodynamics 690″ and mention that yesterday was the last
day to drop.

3. After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream, “MY
PACEMAKER!”

4. Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding
crop.

5. Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student
and scream, “YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?”

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5. I’m not going to grant any extensions.

4. Call me any time. I’m always available.

3. It doesn’t matter what I think; write what you believe.

2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.

1. My other section is much better prepared than you guys.

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What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me
(and I’m sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T, and it went something like this:

Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T….

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T….

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady
was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but
she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little
excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!! AT&T: We think
so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the
end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a

cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per
year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are
you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but….

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents
a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal
telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you
know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for….

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I
don’t think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I
have a mouth full of food…….

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute
program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress
my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the
other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for
our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little
brother………

AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them
options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to
speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ….. Click…………

Or My Other Favorite… Are you single? Click…………

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Quote from a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings,
everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

Quote from the Boss… “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to
blame it on you.”

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the
ones we hired.”

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That’s because it’s unfamiliar
territory.

My Boss said to me ” What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a
protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from
surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is
an idiot, too … but at least I respect him.

He’s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks
and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created
to find a solution: ” I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input
would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”

HR Manager to job candidate “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although
that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our
entry level positions.”

Quote from telephone inquiry “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year
and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’
daughter finishes her summer classes.

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I JUST KNEW I WAS IN BIG TROUBLE AT WORK WHEN…

…the new policy on sexual harassment included a photo of me.

…the Security guard made a complete inventory of my work area.

…my assistant began responding to my memos with, “Yeah, whatever.”

…I got a “It’s for you loser” wav receiving e-mail, & not a chime.

…my new Pentium was replaced with an 386sx-16 last weekend.

…the Human Resources Dept requested an update of my arrest record.

…the Boss asked if I still had a copy of my 5 year contract.

…I noticed co-workers measuring my office when I arrived at work.

…my parking spot was relocated next to the dumpster.

…my secretary sez things like “Get the phone, my nails aren’t dry.”

…three people began helping me write a “desk manual” for my job.

…the LAN suddenly began backing-up my computer every 10 minutes.

…a large paper recycling box was placed next to my file cabinets.

…the receptionist began saying “Who ???” to anyone calling on me.

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New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90’s

Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed
or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on
anyone who doesn’t work out obsessively.

Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then
leaves.

Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee
headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.

Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm,
and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going on.

SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops
working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children,
Oppressive Mortgage.

Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.

Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no
kids, no property, and no regrets.

Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the
magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their
jobs. “We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists.”

Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s workplace.

Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes
reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped
and gone on shooting rampages.

Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office
or work group. “Ask Larry, he’s the Alpha Geek around here.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. “Well, first we gotta
figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa.”

Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave
a company or department soon.

GOOD job: A “Get-Out-Of-Debt” job. A well-paying job people take in order to
pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you
find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime
example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get
it to work again.

Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice
President at a downsizing computer firm: “You have reached the number of an
uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for
assistance.” See also Decruitment.

Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the
appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II
computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the
Return key and the Power On key.

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“You Know It’s Your Last Day At Work When……”

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?”, you
realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I
waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss is
standing behind you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential
information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week
as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the
fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in
jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

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Thoughts and stories from on the job

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a
rage, “Is this what you get paid for ?” I told him, “Nope ! I do this for free.”

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff
too. I remember once he posted a sign which read “Today is the tomorrow you
worried about yesterday.” I couldn’t resist and added a note: “And now you know
why too”.

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder
with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said,
“Yeah, how does this thing work ?” I took the papers from her hand and
demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another
confused expression, so I said, “Any questions ?” She said, “Yeah, exactly where
do the copies come out from ?”

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When’s the
last time ya ever heard of anyone who “rested to death”.

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never
anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have
computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough
time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that
they don’t have enuff time to do all their work.

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RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations:

“Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started
to dig.”

“His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.”

“I would not allow this employee to breed.”

“This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely
won’t be.”

“Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”

“When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot
was previously in there.”

“He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

“This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

“He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”

“This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.”

“This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

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